Bacon or Beer

Imagine if you had to choose…


Cozy Socks and Keurig Coffee or Labatt Blue Light

Category: Clothing


undefinedI'm a big fan of cozy socks and coffee on a relaxing weekend morning.  But Brown Sugar Crumble Donut flavored coffee from an over-extracted, watered-down Keurig machine?  I totally get why this person just said "F-it" and traded up for this Canadian pilsener.  I can also understand why they chose Labatt Blue Light, as their palate has become accustomed to flavorless beverages (like from a Keurig machine).

But seriously, you should have purchased the cozy socks, I can't forgive you for that.

Peanut Butter Sandwich Crackers or Super Bowl Bud Light

Category: Snacks


undefinedIt's impossible to eat a whole pack of peanut butter sandwich crackers without something to wash it down with. I think it's called the "peanut butter sandwich cracker challenge", look it up on YouTube.  Maybe the intention was to take the challenge during halftime at the Super Bowl party.  But alas, without enough money for both peanut butter sandwich crackers and something to wash it down with, the washing it down with won.  If you can really call drinking Bud Light "winning".


Coffee-mate or Hunter's Busch

Category: Dairy



Could there be anything more redneck than Busch beer dressed in hunter's orange? And really, when you plan on firing a weapon, you should always first be fully intoxicated.  Also, the shitty beer hangover the next morning will be cured just as well with black coffee, no need for this non-dairy "creamer".  Actually, there's never a need for non-dairy "creamer".  Just buy real cream or half and half for God's sake!  We all know there's no such thing as a lactose intolerant redneck.

Oyster Mushrooms or Bud Light Platinum

Category: Produce


undefinedSorry, I just can't get past adding the word "Platinum" to Bud Light.  It's like adding sprinkles to a dog turd.  No amount of sprinkles is going to make me want to eat it, it's still dog crap.  Should have gone with the clearance "expires tomorrow" psychedelic oyster shrooms to induce a hallucinating vision quest where you would find your true spirit beer.

Moscato or Magic Hat Spring Fever

Category: Beverages


undefinedThis is a new one for me, trading wine for beer.  Although, it is moscato, which is a sweet wine.  Drinking a bottle of this will make you wish you hadn't the next day.  Also, Magic Hat isn't so bad for a mass-produced beer.  So contrats!  Well played trade-up!

12 Grains or the 12 Days of Christmas

Category: Bakery



Finally! After 1 year of official adulthood, 2 bankruptcies, 3 failed marriages, and 4 home evictions, Courtenay was back on her feet and slowly gaining traction toward returning back into the families good graces.

Years of begging her parents, 2 brothers, their wives and especially her 5-year-old nephew for beer money and other financial support had done some damage to her familial relationships, but Courtenay had pulled herself up by her bootstraps and found a job screwing toothpaste caps on tubes, which came with some nice perks - like fewer cavities and daily wages. She had her own trailer now and she and her boyfriend, Duke, had finally been given the coveted responsibility of hosting the family's Christmas brunch.

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Probiotic Regularity or Mang-O-Rita Squirts

Category: Dairy



After constipation had been pushing a week (or, after a week of unsuccessful pushing), it was time to try a natural cure before resorting to digital extraction. Hearing that Activia has probiotics (whatever those are) that can assist in trying to birth a nearly 7-day-old "brown baby," Duke went to the grocery store with a focused, solitary intention.

He hobbled through the store like you would if you were carrying everything you'd eaten over the last week impacted into rock hard feces, deftly giving the cheese section a wide birth and heading straight for the yogurt instead. With his strawberry Activia 4-pack in hand, Duke - by habit only - turned down the beer aisle on his way to the checkout.

A bright yellow box caught his eye. It was 12-pack of something new and intriguing... Bud Light Lime Mang-O-Rita!

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Hot Wheels Shame

Category: Toys



So many poor choices to address on this sad post - I'm not even sure where to begin.

First, let's start with the obvious. This shopper selfishly decided at the very last minute to purchase libations, having carried this matchbox car all through the grocery store with the intent on giving it to an eager adolescent (probably dying of some quickly progressing auto-immune disease) whose only wish and dream was to play with a red matchbox car on this, one of the last evenings on earth.

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A Hard Decesion

Category: Frozen



Faced with the same hard decision that this shopper was - choosing between a six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade or a sad, lonely evening meal of three hard-frozen dinners featuring rock-hard biscuits, mysteriously chunky gravy, and a "hardy" helping of they-keep-swiping-left - I can hardly blame the hero of our story for making the ultimate decision of choosing an all-liquid format for his evening sustenance.

Oddly enough, a day after finding this sad little shrine, I noticed a classified ad in the newspaper reading: MAN SEEKING WOMAN WHO LOVES HER LEMONADE HARD AND HER MEN SOFT.

Sushi(?) or Seagram's

Category: Meat & Seafood


undefinedHow does that saying go? 'Give a man a fish and you can feed him for a day. Teach a man to grocery shop and he'll come home with beer instead of fish.' Something like that.

Actually, can we really call it fish this guy was after? I mean, what-in-the-fake-fish-hell is Shaggy Dog sushi? But clearly this shopper was really in the mood for imitation food and beverage, since his ultimate decision came down to whether to buy a pack of questionable-looking "seafood" or a case of Seagram's "flavored malt beverages."

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