After constipation had been pushing a week (or, after a week of unsuccessful pushing), it was time to try a natural cure before resorting to digital extraction. Hearing that Activia has probiotics (whatever those are) that can assist in trying to birth a nearly 7-day-old "brown baby," Duke went to the grocery store with a focused, solitary intention.
He hobbled through the store like you would if you were carrying everything you'd eaten over the last week impacted into rock hard feces, deftly giving the cheese section a wide birth and heading straight for the yogurt instead. With his strawberry Activia 4-pack in hand, Duke - by habit only - turned down the beer aisle on his way to the checkout.
A bright yellow box caught his eye. It was 12-pack of something new and intriguing... Bud Light Lime Mang-O-Rita!
An idea struck. Knowing how his favorite piss-water, Bud Light, causes the flaming lava shits, maybe Bud Light Lime Mang-O-Rita would be an even better natural cure to his constipated state and prevent the escalation to inflammatory bowel disease.
With his colon close to rupture, Duke did a quick Internet search for "probiotics." The search results returned this disgusting gem of information, which put the final nail in the Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt-shaped coffin: Probiotics are "Billions of living bacteria cells".
Quickly discarding the package of strawberry-flavored gut bugs, Duke chose the brightly colored box of Bud Light Lime Mang-O-Rita.
But alas, things didn't work out as planned. Gallantly, he poured can after can down his gullet like a cheap sorority girl on the last day of Spring Break untill the box was empty, causing him to fall into a sugary, malt-induced coma. A few hours later, he found himself becoming anally intimate with a strange man in the ER.
Slogan: Bud Light Lime Mang-O-Rita, when you want to become anally intimate with strange men.