Bacon or Beer

Imagine if you had to choose…


Coffee-mate or Hunter's Busch

Category: Dairy



Could there be anything more redneck than Busch beer dressed in hunter's orange? And really, when you plan on firing a weapon, you should always first be fully intoxicated.  Also, the shitty beer hangover the next morning will be cured just as well with black coffee, no need for this non-dairy "creamer".  Actually, there's never a need for non-dairy "creamer".  Just buy real cream or half and half for God's sake!  We all know there's no such thing as a lactose intolerant redneck.

Probiotic Regularity or Mang-O-Rita Squirts

Category: Dairy



After constipation had been pushing a week (or, after a week of unsuccessful pushing), it was time to try a natural cure before resorting to digital extraction. Hearing that Activia has probiotics (whatever those are) that can assist in trying to birth a nearly 7-day-old "brown baby," Duke went to the grocery store with a focused, solitary intention.

He hobbled through the store like you would if you were carrying everything you'd eaten over the last week impacted into rock hard feces, deftly giving the cheese section a wide birth and heading straight for the yogurt instead. With his strawberry Activia 4-pack in hand, Duke - by habit only - turned down the beer aisle on his way to the checkout.

A bright yellow box caught his eye. It was 12-pack of something new and intriguing... Bud Light Lime Mang-O-Rita!

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